having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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