I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
