He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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