I haven't been this sober since birth.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
