I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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