you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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