Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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