first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I smell stomach acid.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
