I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
