what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
