I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
