So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I cut my penus on the lid.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
