i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
