Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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