She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
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