I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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