last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
