I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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