I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
