I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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