ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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