Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
it's like iHOP with fire
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize