Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
