our cab driver is having phone sex.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
is wine microwaveable?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
