the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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