Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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