official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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