I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
