I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
