Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
