At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
