Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
