I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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