I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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