Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
