The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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