'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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