Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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