guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My penis needs a shock collar
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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