Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
