im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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