Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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