on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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