is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
