I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
