She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
