i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
