i just wanna soil my oats bro
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
