do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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