I look better un-naked...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
