I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
