i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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