I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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