I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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