I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Randomize
