You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
