This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
