thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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